One time

I was driving to my parents' house and happened to notice the sign out front of the First Baptist Church on the corner of California Avenue and Rose Street. It said:

"When in deep water, trust the one who walked on it."

Until yesterday, I never thought that I had trust issues. Not in relationships or with friends, but in trusting that God would never bring me to something He'd never bring me through. I am in constant need of being in control, not necessarily of people or situations, but of being in control of myself. I remember writing a paper in Expos in high school where I compared myself to a bottle of soda. Agitate it and it explodes upon opening. Don't shake it at all, or stop shaking it and wait, and it will be fine.

I usually think that I have a good handle on the things in my life, and generally believe that they always turn out the best way they possibly can even if it's not what I want in the moment. It's been a struggle but now, I am truly learning the hard way that things turn out on God's time, and not mine.

Never have I had to choose one necessity over another. THAT is a hard place to be in. I do not wish that on anyone, not even people I don't care for. It really is when you have no choice but to be strong that you find out how strong you really are.

I almost always hold personal things in, which is kind of hypocritical in a way I guess, because people find it easy to vent to me when they have problems. I've heard I give pretty good advice. Now if I only I could give myself some that would be practical and optimistic and RIGHT?

I began writing this blog last night through tear rimmed eyes because writing helps me see things from a different perspective. And perhaps yesterday's events, and the day's before too, should have been a clue that a blog was ensuing. I ended up saving the draft and going to take a shower, where for the first time in a long time, I saw that I needed to be broken. My prideful need to be in control of myself was what was keeping me from seeing what needed to be seen. So there, in the shower, the only place I can find a very brief moment alone in this house, I asked God to break me. And He did.

He showed me that I am not in control, that I don't NEED to always be in control. And that I hold on so tightly to the things I think I can control even though those are the very things I should lay at His feet. So while it's still not in my personality to just let go and fall and trust that I will be caught, I'm humbled ever so slightly, but just enough. And I am thankful ... to be sitting here outside in the morning sun trusting and thanking God for His continued blessings on me, who doesn't deserve them.

The best thing about Underclass and going to work at 5am is the drive to the job where the sun greets me. It's then, in the simplicity of the trusted fact that the sun will rise everyday, that I'm reminded to pray and give thanks for how wonderfully awesome this life I've been given is.